Do you have that feeling that there might be something sad in you, something deep inside (what a cliche), but you can't reach it? I can cry over a retarded flat tire but I can't cry when I feel like it. And then there is that positive, glowing, smiley, you, that everybody knows but at the moment - died a little.

I blame it on days like 1st Jan, 2nd Jan... Abolish the first week of a new year! It's a matter of inertia, you do nothing and you eat - a vicious circle, indeed! I was invited to a names day party today, I wish I had turned my phone off. But I'm grateful that my friend completely understands me and said it's OK... She called off coming over a few times because she felt miserable. That was kind of more serious state. The only thing that I amuse myself with is irony, sarcasm, and a sense of humor that makes everything so easier.

I think in psychology that state is called apathy with having a sense of humor; apathy cannot devour that.  

Anyway, I thought it would be fun and well, sad, hah, to analyze the previous year and according to that make a forecast about the next one. Go ahead and judge anything you like, I have no shame now.

-Nothing will get better, which is good, because I hope nothing can get worse comparing to 2010.

2010 started off with a death in the family. It struck me. I hadn't seen my uncle for a while, but he was one of the uncles that played jokes when we were little and he made good wine. He was a strong tall man, until I saw him in December last year. He looked like a helpless child, couldn't speak much. And he cried. And so did I. I guess the stupid sad thing deep inside I talked about is the bar of chocolate I ate yesterday; it's not even sad! Perhaps I'm just whining and being childish and selfish. He died on 31st Dec, it was terribly cold. (Which makes me think I'd rather get cremated!) I felt as if I had been on drugs, I cried myself out. I felt life was short, trite and sarcastic. I didn't care what I do, whether it would matter tomorrow, or whether I'd even be there tomorrow. I probably hurt feelings of some stupid and annoying ppl, my deepest apologies... I drank it all away and it worked, I moved on, life was great.

 - I hope there will be no more car accidents, dogs that eat my coursebooks and homework (virtually), locking myself out (metaphorically too), losing valuable things.

 -Speaking of valuable things, let me make this as simple as I can, I will not fall in love. I might have two or three crushes that will end up in disaster or in silence. From my experience I can't think of any other reasons than a) they don't like me back, which is a rare thing, mind you  b) they have a crush on somebody else (which I hadn't been aware of before I was falling in uhm crush) c) they think they're fat and ugly d) their idea of having a girlfriend is sleeping around with as many other females as they can e) I just cool off because I realize I had a crush on an imaginary character, I don't let myself go too far once I get the slightest burn, which I think is kind of natural and classy, after all, men are the one that should make an effort not the ladies 

-There will be men that will have a crush on me, or perhaps even fall in love, but I'll like them as friends and I'll feel extremely sorry for not liking them in a different way, because I will like the things they say and do for me, too bad :/

- I will not apply for any external studies, I will not save money, I will not lose weight and I will not become a vegetarian, I will continue drinking and smoking socially and feel bad because of the latter 

 -This year ended with a serious heart attack in the family, fortunately that heart is big enough to fight through and glow with such immense innocent and childlike love towards the whole world, I just admire how it can still do that after 85 years, perhaps because it believes in God?? I just think my grandpa took whatever life gave him and didn't *ask* for anything more. He is just satisfied.

Other things just pop from time to time but don't inspire me, they just pop and prolong the silence. And the one thing that popped now is Johnny Cash with a sad sad song, this being a very dark prediction of what may come... It's not a forecast, oh no, just a game, in a few days I'll get back to my good old track and I'll be able to write the best prediction of 2011 ever! The outcome will probably be somewhere in between, not sad, not happy, just apathetic :D

 P.S. Now that I read this blog, I just realize it's so not me, sadness isn't my thing :) But it's done now, whining makes you feel better sometimes, and I think it's fun! :D

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uXaowQhYQ7s